(photo : dreamstime.com)
Departing from the place, where my love with Aman nurtured and where we created thousands of memories was not easy. And above that, I had accepted someone as my life partner, whom I barely knew. I was not sure how life was going to unfold and how I was going to catch up with it. The only thing I could remember during those days was – Aman, my Aman cheated on me. There is no pain other than being cheated by your loved one and later on know about it on your own. With a pain in my heart, I departed from the city. Till last moment of departure, I wanted to run away, to ask Aman why he cheated me. But do not know what force inside me resisted me to act upon my thoughts.
Rajat – A new chapter of my life, an introvert person like me was totally opposite to Aman. Unknowingly, I was comparing every bit of his life with Aman’s and that was obvious, I think. He was not interested in his beautiful wife and never knew how to praise / take care / be with a female. He was not emotionless but he never showed his emotions. I could never adjusted with his physical hunger and he was not interested in knowing where my mind was stuck and why I always cried hard when he came nearer to me or touched me or used my body to satisfy himself. Yes, those feelings were proof that no matter how hard I tried, I was not able to forget Aman for a moment. For million times, I thought to run away….run away to my Aman. I wanted to forgive him, I wanted to start new life with him and I wanted him to be around for all time, the way he used to. But that hasty decision of marriage, where I hurriedly got ready to marry with Rajat, was a stopper. My growth and Mom’s advice about how much the word marriage is important, I could never collect the courage to end life with Rajat or to contact Aman even. In addition to that, Rajat did not want kids. After couple of years of marriage and when Aman was totally taking over me virtually, I asked Rajat to plan a family. His wish about not having family was something, I could never digest. I still remember myself faint down on the floor, after hearing his decision. His decision or wish was killing me inside. For many times, I tried to convince him that having a kid could change my life as I could spend time with little one, could nurture a new life and could see a smile at least on someone’s face in that huge 18th floored apartment, like cage. Although Rajat never agreed to me and my feelings as usual. Instead he argued about having numbers of other ways where I can get refresh and enjoy life, the way he was doing. For 10 years of marriage life, I lived dual lives daily. One life, where physically I was with Rajat and was acting like a puppet, the way Rajat wanted. The other life, where virtually I was with Aman and was continuously thinking about how we could have been together and how Aman would have taken care of me and my life. In other words, I lived and died every moment. At the age of 32, I grew more than expected grey hair and wrinkles. My beauty was shrinking and I was in depression.
(photo : thylovelyseed.tumblr.com)
And one day, that almighty looked at me with kind eyes. Rajat lost his life due to massive heart attack in office. I was not happy but I was not sad, for sure. I never loved or even liked the man with whom I spent 10 years of life. His death was a freedom because only I knew how it felt to be inside the house all the time, with a man like Rajat. I satisfied all his desires while he was living but now as he was not there, I was free to live my life at least. Initially hesitant, I decided to go to my parents and informed them about the same. My dad arrived immediately and helped me in sorting out legal issues and other formalities. I was ready to move back with my parents.
With landing of that Qatar Airways plane, after 10 years, I breathed in same city, where I grew. That first step on the ground of my city was a feeling like life changing experience. A smile appeared on my face after don’t know how many years. Mom and dad too grew quite old within last 10 years, where they could not meet their only daughter because Rajat never liked them to visit us in Dubai. At home, Mom tried to console me about Rajat’s death but I straightaway told her that I was not at all affected by his death. She was taken a back and looked at me horrified. I told the whole story of my 10 years life with Rajat and both my parents were in tears and grief. My mom kept telling me Sorry for pressurizing me to marry with Rajat at the age of 22. I did not reply to her Sorry because I did not know how her Sorry was going to change my life. I was trying to adjust with my own life again. After 10 years, a decade, so many things and people change in life. I need to start living again, I kept telling to myself. For initial few days, I kept sitting at home. But then my father was able to convince me to try for job, which can divert my mind and re-develop my confidence. Whenever I saw myself in the mirror, I could not believe it was me. That loose salwar kameez along with not combed long oily hair was not the personality I lived with, in this city.
Where is that Anoushka Kapoor disappeared? I used to ask myself with tears in my eyes.
To be continued … … …
After listening his words –
This was the only way I could be with you for all the time
I could not react. I was speechless. Aman wasted a precious year of his life for our love. I never thought our love meant to him that much. Finally, I could say “I Love you” with wet voice. He hugged me softly. We sat in the college garden for couple of hours, almost speechless. I was still asking a question to myself –
Would I have ever taken this kind of step for my love?
And to be honest, every time my heart defeated by my practical mind and replied NO. So today, Aman became the true lover / owner / partner of Anoushka Kapoor. I felt happy that I had Aman with me.
For next two years, Aman kept failing just to celebrate my success in college campus. The M(Aman)-N(Anu) couple was still a hot topic to discuss. At the age of 20, when you are mature enough to take decision on your own but are still under shadow of your parents / teachers / friends, Aman crafted a new path for every future love stories. He became my world and we used to meet at each other’s house too. At his home, no one cared about our relationship as his parents were always busy in earning and showing off. Most of the time, we used to meet at his home in the evening. We saw those sun sets together every day, we hugged each other like anything, we discussed everything and anything around and we made love like anything. His home was the perfect place as there was no one to monitor or to ask question or to judge. At my home, my mom was still in an impression that Aman was a very good friend and I did not want to change it very soon.
Finally, at the age of 21, I became an engineer and Aman too showed his academics power. He stood first in the university. I was happy for him and he was happy for me. Aman joined his father’s business and offered me to join the same but I denied.
Although very shy and introvert, I was grown in practical environment. I knew what I wanted from life and rather than Aman, I was not ready to do any compromise for anyone. I wanted to do something on my own. I wanted to shine out in a way that people can recall my expertise and not my beauty. Aman supported my view and happily supported me when I joined a start-up venture as a trainee engineer.
During our mature discussions, I conveyed my fear to Aman about our relationship and expectations from each other. I asked him why did not he pressurized me to join his father’s business and to this, he answered something, which became tag line of his love for me –
Anu, I love you but at the same time, I need to give you space. Space for yourself so that you can grow and live the way you want to. My love for you will always same whether you will accept or deny my suggestions. Also, I never expect the replica of my love in you. I want to experience your true love and not the scared love whether I would like something or not. Be yourself and I love you like that.
I was not sure whether I should consider myself fortunate that Aman was with me or should I curse myself to not be able to love him the way he loved me. Our meetings were still same. We used to adjust our office timings to give each other a surprise for lunch or for a quick meet at road side tea shop. Time was beautiful but was slipping fast. But we were living every moment and our love was growing.
(photo : prevention.com)
A year passed and suddenly I was observing a change in Aman. Generally extrovert Aman was not speaking too much and was most of the time in deep thoughts. I tried to nail it out but could not. He said there was nothing and avoided talking about it. I was worried and frustrated. Why Aman should hide something from me, I asked to myself. He used to meet me regularly but they were not meetings, they were just rituals to be followed. Always thirsty Aman was not interested in kissing my freshly glossed lips (which he used to do). Generally appreciative about a singled wired ring in my index finger, Aman did not even looked at me properly when I put on his favorite – grape purple and shiny silver sari. I was angry, in grief, irritated. My nights were sleepless as my mind and heart were working for the love of my life and denied to take rest. I thought about each existing / non-existing possibility that would have changed Aman. But…But, I could not dig it.
And after a month or so, I got the answer. I went to airport to welcome my father’s old friend. This was a last minute arrangement as my father got sick and asked me to receive his friend. At the airport, when I was still waiting at arrival gate for uncle, I saw a couple hugging at departure gate, around 50 feet away from me. It was not a case to notice but my eyes did notice because he was Aman. Aman was hugging a lady tightly and she kissed on her forehead and left. I was shocked.
So, this was the reason, Aman was not interested in me anymore. Aman, my Aman, who skipped important office meetings just to be with me, who wasted two years of life just to accompany me, who gave me space and nurtured my personality…..was with someone else. I left airport without receiving Papa’s friend and on the way, I cried like anything. My world was in bits and pieces. What was going on and why, I was not able to justify myself. I cried, cried and cried for don’t know how much time. When I reached home with puffy, dry, red eyes, my Mom asked me if anything was wrong with me. I smiled sadly and went to my room. I closed the door and threw myself on bed. I was not sure, what I should do, how I should react. One part of my heart was still not able to accept the fact, my eyes had just seen. Other part of my heart was trying to convince me to forget Aman. After 3 days of heart storming when I switched on my cell phone, it showed me 10 missed calls from Aman. With a pain in my heart, I deleted the number from my phone memory.
Although deleting Aman from my heart was not easy (or I would say, not possible). Everything around was a memory of our togetherness and now those memories were hurting. I wanted to run away, I wanted to hide myself, I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to…I wanted to…I did not know, what I wanted to do. Thanks to the practical part of my heart, who took over the situation and the same evening I told my Mom that I was ready to marry that most prosperous matching candidate from Dubai. Mom suggested me to meet first but I emphasized that I was agreed and I wanted to marry as early as possible.
I was not sure whether I was running from myself, from Aman, from life, from situation or from something I wasn’t sure what it was.
But I departed. Departed for Dubai, exactly after 5 days of seeing Aman with someone else. Unsure about life ahead, I was more worried about how would I handle this break-up? Within 5 days, I was broken and exhausted.
Life without Aman – I never thought about that option. How that jigsaw pieces of puzzle called life were arranged for me?
To be continued … … ..
The love story which made me believe in love forever … … …
I am Anoushka, Anoushka Kapoor. For friends and family members, I have been Anu, always. At the age of 18, when I entered into college for the first time, with long polished black hair, navy blue skin tight jeans, white transparent crisp shirt layered on orange sleeveless t-shirt, snow white Reebok shoes and baby orange colored wrist watch – every head turned to my way. With 5’ 6” height and fair skinned oval face, I was still shy and my big eyes were looking for company around. It was not that I did not know what was going on around. Since school days, I realized the importance of my beauty.
I was searching for my name in chart, mentioning details about classes allocated. My busy eyes could not notice that someone was staring me without a blink. Finally, I found my name and put my finger on chart to see what class I should go. When I turned back, I saw him. He was still staring at me and for the first time in my life, I was not uncomfortable. It was because he was looking at me and not to the specific area of my body. Unknowingly I smiled and that resulted in to wide smile on his face. He came forward and we shook hands. His name was / is Aman, Aman Mathur.
Aman, 6’ heighted, dusky skinned, handsome guy was in final year of engineering. Famous for his sense of humor and academics record, he was the most desirable bachelor. Females (including young professors) were dying to talk with him, to friend with him and to marry him 🙂. This is how, he introduced himself and I laughed. He was staring at me again and I became conscious. I introduced myself and his comment – how come was it possible for you to go to school in Burkha?, made me thinking. Finally, he explained that my brightened face and toned body with natural beauty was something, people would have died for. And I smiled again. Again for the first time in my life, I did not feel vulgarity while a guy was praising me. I said Thank you, quietly and bid adieu Aman, saying I did not want to miss the first class.
On the way to home, I was still thinking about Aman. How can this happen?, I asked to myself. It never happened. Within those 6 years of teenage, I received love proposals for more than 100 times but I never re-thought about any one. And today, just after talking with Aman for 5 minutes, I was thinking about him. I smiled at myself. At home, when Mom – the only one person, whom I shared everything, asked me, how was the first day at college? I just smiled. She too did not ask any question. Probably, she was waiting for me to tell her, as usual. Although today, I was in no mood to verbalize my thoughts. I just wanted to remember Aman and wanted to meet him again.
Next day, I selected peacock green salwar kameez for college. At the entrance, my eyes were searching for Aman but he was not there. He is the most desirable bachelor and you are only one of them who die for him, I consoled myself. With some disappointment when I was walking to my class, I saw him at the main door of my class room. He was smiling at me and after catching eyes with him, I too smiled wide.
No need to say how we became friends and how we fell in love. Yes, we were in love and it did not take us time to realize that we were made for each other. The college lost two most desirable bachelors that year because they both fell for each other :-). Aman became my world. We used to meet at college entrance, talk for 10 minutes and to attend the respective class. Once we both were free, we will go to that lonely garden of college and will talk forever. Most of the time, we were not aware about thirst and hunger. Aman and I shared everything under the sky. Now, Aman was replacing my Mom, in terms of me sharing everything. He taught me boring subjects, inspired me to participate in Miss College competition and threw a big party, when I won the competition. The whole college knew that we were living for each other and we were famous as “M(AMan)-N(ANu)”.
(Photo : wattpad.com)
They say, happy days pass fast. We were preparing for year end exams and I was sad. Sad because it was Aman’s last year in the college and after exams, we were not supposed to meet the way we used to in college. The thought of missing him made me cry for so many times. Although whenever I tried to convey my concern about his absence in college from next year, he just smiled. For couple of times, I cried in front of him and he was moved. I saw tears in his eyes too.
Results were announced and I passed with bright colors. Aman was offered a job from prestigious company based on his past academics records. Although his result, after two days, dismayed the whole college. Aman failed in 6 subjects. I was with him and when I saw his result, I was taken aback. With wide eyes, I asked him, what went wrong. With a smile on his face, he replied,
This was the only way I could be with you for all the time.
To be continued ….
Tomorrow is 14th February, valentine’s day – the day when millions of couples will propose / accept / reject the love. How easy it is for current generation to move on if someone denied to respond your feelings. But it was not the case before 40 years.
Hi !!! I am Anurag. Anurag mehra from Delhi, India.
Valentine’s day always reminds me of Sapna. Sapna – the dream girl.
A scholar, intelligent and young Anurag – before 40 years – I was driving car to college when people were dreaming for cycle. My rich father did not have time for me and my mother was always busy with socialization. Internally very lonely, I always acted happy and extrovert. Although it was last year of college and while every friend of mine was busy settling into the relationship, I was not able to find someone special. It was not that no one was looking at me but most of the time, I did not respond.
And on 14th February (to remind, there was no concept of valentine’s day before 40 years and colleges were strict about education only), while I was busy talking with friends about the new term, I saw her. Covered in flowery designed pink dress, she was looking for someone at library gate. I could not blink even and stared and stared her. Her long opened hair, her beautiful heart shaped pink pendent, her pink wrist watch and pink smile from her rosy lips. Unknowingly, I kept noticing everything about her and within those 5 minutes, I completely fell for her. Looking at me, my friend Mahen provided information – She is from Rajasthan and has joined our college from the new term. She was going to Jaipur college for previous four terms. This was enough for me. When I turned my face to see her again, she was not there. I was angry with Mahen as spending 1 minute while talking with him, I lost my dream girl.
I ran towards library and found her inside talking with someone. Hoooh…..she was there. Again I kept staring her. She finished her talk with her friend and moved out of library. I walked towards her and stood in front of her. She shockingly looked at me and then gave a smile. That was enough to ignite that fire. She moved to her class and I spent my time writing her a letter. The first love letter, I have ever written to anyone. I bought a rose and stuck it with my letter.
After one class, when she came out, I ran towards her and gave her the letter and rose and said – if your response is same as mine, please wear this beautiful rose in your beautiful hair. I will wait for you near play ground after one class. I was proud of my courage to speak those sentences.
Next 60 minutes were like the toughest exam for me. I could not concentrate in class, but not attending class would have killed me as I had to be alone in parking. Finally, that class was over and I ran to playground and impatiently waited for her. She came there after 10 minutes. Again that beautiful smile but she did not wear that rose. Instead she gave me a letter and the rose. I opened the letter –
I hope I can address you as dear due to the feelings we are going to share. I am so happy with your love proposal and I would definitely like to spend my life with you. BUT
Anurag, I do not want to keep you in dark. I can not speak since birth. I hope it will not affect your love and your feelings for me.
I was speechless. My palms got sweaty. How can I accept her? I did not speak anything and wore SORRY avatar and started moving from her.
Within 2 seconds, I heard a ringing bell voice –
Anurag, I thought love for you was more important than my disability. Thanks you Anurag. Your response conveyed your values and priorities.
I was floored. She was speaking. She was just examining my love and I completely failed that love exam. I lost my dream because after 100s of requests, she did not accept my feelings and moved away.
I am still alone. At 59, I still remember what I have paid in life, due to my misunderstanding about love.
And finally I would like to present my understanding about love. It is :
(photo : jmanandmillerbug.com)