… but heart is not logical – V

First, second, third and fourth part of story can be read at part-1 and part-2 and Part-3 and Part-4.

After few days of earning clinical research degree, I started job hunting and received good offers, most of due to my personality and not due to my knowledge. I was unsure about which company I should select to work with. On dinner table, when I presented my confusion, mom had ready to serve solution – join the company which gives you more money and where you don’t have to work much. I got furious but controlled myself. Hopelessly, I looked to my father and he just nodded. That means, he was ready to discuss the matter at both of ours favorite location – my bedroom balcony, where mom won’t interfere. We both settled in our chairs and Dad started slowly,

Beta, I would definitely advice and support you in choosing the company but I know a person who is in the same field and possesses better knowledge than both of us and I am sure he will have better opinion. Why don’t you talk with him?

Who is he papa? I asked.

Beta, his name is Darshil. I met him during my morning walks. He jogs regularly at the track where I and my friends go for walk. We were introduced via a friend of mine and I found this guy really good, papa summarized.

I smelled something wrong. Suspiciously I asked,

What do you mean by really good, papa?

Papa finally announced,

Beta, Darshil has won my heart within last few days. He is a regional manager in the most famous Clinical Research Laboratory in our city and comes from good family too. He is down to earth and very intelligent. I have started dreaming of treating him as my son-in-low and your mom too likes him very much, papa completed in his decorative language.

I was speechless. What was it? I was trying to figure out which company should I choose to work and what my parents were asking me was to figure out with whom I was ready to spend my remaining life.

I did not speak single word. Papa again took the charge.

Beta, we will never pressurize you but I would definitely like you to meet him. And for the time being, let’s forget about all that. First of all, you just need to talk with him for the guidance. I will forward you his phone number and you can call him, papa completed and slowly left me alone in the balcony.

I stared those shining stars for some time and strangely ran towards my laptop. I felt an urgent need of talking with Raahil. I had decided to tell him about my feelings. I decided to chat with him and let him know what I have been carrying with me since long. The chat messenger displayed his status as off. I calculated time difference and concluded that it was 7:30 p.m. his time and that means he was not attending college classes. And as it was Tuesday, he must not have went to his home.


(photo : cnn.com)

He might have gone for a date, my poor mind started thinking and the thought process continued with all possible negative thoughts in the world where I imagined Raahil kissing a beautiful girl. I was restless. And my mobile beeped. Papa had forwarded Darshil’s contact number to me – 9099099099. I kept staring the number, it was designer number. I decided to not call that designer number and deleted the number. My mental self, very tired and drained, ordered my physical version to get into bed and I slept, with a totally messed up mind.

In the morning, while I was still eating my breakfast, papa came back from walking and the first question he asked after entering into home was,

Soha beta, did you got Darshil’s number? I forwarded it to you last night.

I nodded negatively and did not speak anything.

He searched the number in his phone and forwarded it to me again. As he was sitting beside me, I did not have any choice but to save the number on the name of Darshil Kakkar. Papa emphasized me to call him to finalize the company I should join as I was supposed to accept the offer within two days. After dipping myself into lukewarm water, I felt better and practical. I convinced myself that there was no harm in calling Darshil. One call can not change the life decision, I told to myself.

After putting on white flower print shirt and denim shorts, I laid on my bed and looked at that designer phone number again and finally pushed the green arrow which would have signaled the mobile to call the number.

Little did I know that the action was going to change my life drastically.


To be continued ….


… but heart is not logical – IV

First, second and third part of story can be read at part-1 and part-2 and Part-3.

Finally the phone rang and that long ringtone assured my fast beating heart that it was long distance call and Raahil was there at other end. I rushed to answer the phone. Within those moments, my mind rehearsed all those sentences, I wanted to share. With a missing heartbeat, I picked up the receiver but could not speak. A husky, male sound spread in my ears and I wanted to dance. Our first chat on phone (yes, we never called up each other when we were together and when we were away).


(Photo : stepbylittlestep.wordpress.com)

Hey Buddy, Raahil

Hello?, I

Oh, hi Sohi. I was not sure who was at other end and so made it general to avoid problems for you, Raahil

(he thought about me and to my convenience, YAY!!!)

So, how are you? Whats up with your study?, I

I am good and not good because since last few days, I am missing you deliberately. The university, I have joined is in Johannesburg, just an hour drive from my home in CapeTown but I have opted for hostel as I wanted to explore the world on my own and that’s how most of the kids turned adults do over here. The university is really good and study has just started. The only problem is there are many beautiful girls around and I am not sure whom should I choose as my girl friend, Raahil with naughtiness in his tone

But your marriage is fixed…..why do you want to have girl friend? My mouth spoke out without waiting for order from my mind.

But I am not getting married right now and I want to enjoy this free life, Raahil.

Pause for a second and a big laughter.

Hey Sohi, you have changed. You did not get angry when I talk rubbish. Are you ok?, Raahil

I was not sure what to say.

Just focus on your study Raaaaz….everything else will be taken care, I

How about you Sohi? How is your study? This is your final year at school, right?, Raahil

Yes and I am trying to study, I said with a smile.

You will do well. Although you are going to miss me and my company while study, I am sure, you will pass with flying colors. How many boyfriends you have? Raahil again naughty.

I could not believe cultural difference had transformed him from reserved to out spoken and joyous guy.

I don’t have any boyfriend Raahil. I am waiting for someone, I

Oh My God, Sohi. Don’t wait for anyone. Time will not wait for you, Raahil.

Hey Raahil, lets stop all these. Tell me if you have any plan to visit India, I

No Sohi, I don’t see any plan to visit India in near future and I have to cut the connection now as I am still using pocket money for my expenses and calling to you is one of the personal expense. Bye for now and yes, keep writing e-mails. I read all of them for……….for…………..ummmmmm……….(I was getting anxious) ……100 times. Miss you, Bye, Raahil.

I heard the cut tone and found myself still holding the receiver, in a hope that he would speak again. A doorbell broke me out of day dreaming and I put the receiver down and rushed to open the door. Mom was there with a smile and I could see the reason of smile. She had won a dinner set at kitty party. She started telling me about what the competition was about and how she won but who was listening to her? My heart already flew to Johannesburg and mind was trying to control my body language. Slowly I went to my room and locked the door from inside.

The huge mirror in front of me was telling me that today I was looking more beautiful. I wore a black one piece party dress that afternoon as if Raahil was able to see me in phone. I winked to myself and danced. Yes, I was dancing with joy. I was dancing for the call from my dream man and I was dancing for myself. Today, my heart confirmed me that I wanted Raahil to be my life partner. How silly I was. We girls, grow mature fast and at the same time, grow dreamy. We want to dream our dreams and that’s what I was doing via dancing. I don’t know for how much time I danced alone, without music and threw myself in bed and slept immediately. That afternoon nap presented me a sweet dream where I was enjoying with Raahil and when we were about to match our lips length, someone made noise. We got separate but the noise was still there. Finally with number of efforts, when I opened my eyes and ears too, I heard that constant knocking on my room’s door. Mom was shouting for me. I hated her the most for disrupting the most intimate moment but had to open the door. That evening, I over ate chocolate ice-cream to celebrate the 10 minutes talk with Raahil and found myself watching the famous Bollywood movie where both the actor and actress left their respective homes to be with each other. Dream of the night was, of course, I was with Raahil in South Africa J.

Time flew again and technology grew. Messengers started becoming common and I and Raahil used to chit chat on messenger. He was really busy with his studies and I too was busy in getting adjusted with more attentions at new college. I opted for Clinical Research course and on the very first day I was happy and sad. The class of 20 students, was not having single male student. We laughed that tragedy saying, we will not have to care about someone hearing our dirty jokes. Study started taking over me and a new proposal for love on weekly basis kept me busy in sorting out my feelings. Frequency of chat with Raahil was the lowest as our time and schedules clashed. For couple of times, I suggested him to call but he denied as his afternoon classes made it impossible to call on time, suitable to me. We spent four years like that. Most of the time, I dreamt for him but every now and when my heart used to slip when someone from college presented me hundred red roses or wrote me a letter with blood. Raahil never did that for me and I was sure he would have never done it for me. At the age of 21, I earned degree in Clinical Research but I was still unsure what I wanted to do with my life.


(photo : panktimehta.blogspot.com)

When you are unsure about what to do, life surely takes a chance to make you do what you never want to do. My life too did the same to me.

To be continued …

… but heart is not logical – III

First and second part of story can be read at part-1 and part-2.

The dream of love, being loved by your dream man, that too at teenage – do you think you can ever come out of it?


(photo : sms2everyone.wordpress.com)

Raahil left me but he never left me. I lived with him and with a dream of being with him, every moment. I could never make any good friend in my life because when Raahil was there, I did not need one and when he was away, I was so sunk into his thoughts that having friends meant a disturbance to me. Daily e-mails with almost all the details of day were the only lifeline for me. I used to stare to my computer screen and used to refresh my e-mails for 100 times within an hour from 8pm to 9 pm because thats when generally I received his e-mails. Most of his e-mails were by heart to me as I read them for more than 50 times. My replies to his e-mails were short where most of the time I used to complain about missing him badly.

As they say, time does not wait for anyone, months passed by. Gradually the frequency of e-mails changed from daily to thrice in a week. Although we were still sharing same details to each other and there were no complains. I too had to move ahead with study and non-interesting friends. Within a year, I realised what I had missed by not having any friends other than Raahil. I was unknown to those girlish talks where they constantly talked about new shade of lipstick, where they gossiped about the new hunk, Vikas and those secret funny, sexy jokes. At the age of 15, when you are not adult but not at all teenager even, curiosity about some of the things can lead you to positive or negative way. I was enjoying that new life where we girls shared numerous dirty jokes and laughed hard. Slowly, I realized that I was not missing Raahil that much and I was OK without him. E-mails were still there but details were short and I too was not much interested as I was busy with my own life.

Life started rolling and when I learned that he had joined Aeronautical Engineering, I was jumping with excitement. Dont know from where but my heart again started day dreaming about flying with him as his wife. Dreams started to occupy my mind. And the recent photo he sent in the e-mail made me nervous. He grew up really well in South Africa. The photo was taken at beach where he had posed with sleeveless t-shirt and cheks boxer and believe me I missed breathing. The depth in his eyes was enough for any girl to spend night thinking about him. Wthout me knowing, my fingers typed and replied to his e-mail,

You are not Raahil……you are so handsome, I can not believe it.

His reply was in my mail box within an hour.

I too want to tell same thing for you….dying to see you. Please send your pic(s) :-).

I spent that whole night in scanning my pics and concluded that none of my pic was suitable to send him. I was getting anxious. I wanted to show him that I too was perfect (to suit him). Finally, I convinced my mom saying her that I had a competition at school and I had to submit good photo, and went to studio. The way the photographer was staring me, I could understand that full sleeve red T-shirt with navy blue jeans and black checks jacket was suiting me. From those 5 really good photographs, I scanned one of them where I was busy looking at someone with naughty smile on my face and sent it. My heart beats were high and I kept checking my e-mails for that hour. The “no reply” made me more and more queasy. Sleepless night and attention less school was the result of “no reply”. Finally I decided to not check e-mails and to divert my mind, I started reading my exam books. After an hour, when I could not control my curiosity, I ran toward my computer and refreshed my mailbox and Yessssss!!! it was there. After clicking on multiple times to open the e-mail, I had to wait and that wait was life taking. I thought atleast 1000 thoughts within those waiting seconds. Finally the e-mail opened,

Blue colored Shirt would have made you more attractive. Btw, looking killer in that red one and tonight I am going to dream for it 🙂

Only two sentences, one to annoy me and other to pamper my feminine ego….I was not sure whether I should get angry with him or should I blush to know that someone was going to dream for me tonight. And btw, I was not a teenager anymore. I could understand what dreaming means when an 18 year guy was talking about it. After thinking for many times about what to reply, I decided to not reply.


(photo: itiswrittenforyou.wordpress.com)

The next morning came with another e-mail

Sohi, thinking about you was more exciting than dreaming about you and so I thought about you and our friendship for the whole night. Missing you so much. Can I call you?

My heart raced again. Call? Huh…what would I talk with him? What if mom knew about it? But at the same time, I wanted to hear him. I wanted to talk with him and wanted to feel his voice. After thinking about all possible scenarios, I wrote him

I will be waiting for your call. Not sure what we will talk but catching up with an old buddy will not be boring for sure. Make sure you call up in the afternoon when mom would be busy in kitty party.

I was not sure whether it was possible for him to call me during my afternoon (and his morning) time and when he was going to call me, those 18 hours were the most difficult for me. For most of the time, I rehearsed about what I was going to talk with him and found myself thinking about what I actually wanted to share with him.


To be continued …

… but heart is not logical – II

When unexpected happens, how anxious we feel and how we try our best to avoid that UNEXPECTED? The evening, when I was engrossed in reading “P.S. I Love You”, while lying on my king size bed, I heard a knock on my bedroom door. Now this was something unusual. Any of my parent did not need to knock on my room before entering and no one else was allowed to reach till my bedroom, accept Raahil. Again, despite of my mother’s dislike about reaching to my room without notification, Raahil had that luxury due to that soft corner in my heart. But he never knocked, he used to shout me from 5 feet away and I used to get myself in presentable condition before he could open the door. With preoccupied mind in love story, I got up and opened the door. I was still reading the book and usually said “Hey Rezzzz” and again started reading the book.

He came in silently and stood without saying anything. It was annoying that first he disturbed me while I was virtually experiencing the most famous love story and now he was not speaking. I had to put my book and had to turn to him. He was still staring me. I raised my eyebrow and silently asked with eyes “What?”. To this, he came forward and hugged me tight. It was unbelievable. I was not sure whether I should have cherished the moment when my dream man was hugging me or should I have felt the criticality regarding the news, he was about to break. Whatever it was, that tight hug is still tightly stuck with my body and that feeling ….. no word in the world can explain that feeling. I closed my eyes and wrapped my hands around him. I was wondering about what was happening and why, but the moment was so precious that I allowed my heart to take captainship and asked my mind to sit back.

After few moments, he slowly unwrapped my hands around him and with almost wet voice he did that announcement which led to destroy my dreams,

Sohi (that’s how he used to address me), we are moving to South Africa as my father has got urgent transfer letter.

It felt like thousands of needles entered in my body. I felt like I was broken as I saw darkness ahead. He held my hand but by that time, tears found their space. He tried to console me but when I burst in tears, he too joined me. Yes, he too was crying. Crying at a thought of separating. I never in my dream thought of this possibility of life. He told me that his father just informed him and he ran to my house to let me know about it. They were moving in a week and time was very less.

Before I could speak or respond, I heard my mother shouting my name. Surely she had started thinking about something wrong while I and Raahil were inside my room for more than 5 minutes. Raahil immediately left my hand and ran towards the door

Sohi, meeting you tomorrow at school bus peak-up stop, he told me.

That evening I could not eat anything. It felt like something was blocked in my heart and so I was feeling breathless. The thought of being away from Raahil, whom my heart had started loving, was heart wrenching. I saw my mother happy as she must have got the news about Raahil and his family moving. My father, although kept asking me about why was I sad. He tried to explain me that friends come and go as life is long. Who would have make him understand that Raahil was more than friend?

After seeing my puffy, red eyes at school bus peak up stop, where we both reached fifteen minutes earlier, Raahil again tried to console me. His idea about being in touch via e-mails (smart phones and messengers were yet to be invented) was not digestible. I could not speak anything, else my eyes responded with flow of tears. I was not sure, whether he had same feeling for me or not but at least he was with me till now. I was not sure how I was going to survive that biggest tragedy of my life.

The week passed by and time flew. Within last two-three days, I could rarely see him as he was busy with packing and winding up things. His family arranged a small get-to-gather where I went with my father. While both fathers were busy with some professional talks, I and Raahil talked via eyes.

Hey Sohi, I will miss you, He

I too will miss you (my love), I

Don’t worry, we will find someway to be best friends ever, He

I do not see anyway, I

Hey, don’t disheartened, He


His mother came running to me and hugged me. She liked me very much since beginning. She told me that Raahil was going to miss me and to this, my eyes allowed more tears to flow. I was not sure whether it was an impact of watching too many Bollywood movies or hormonal changes but I felt a strange loneliness in my heart.

Finally the day came. I caged myself in my room. They were leaving at 7 p.m. and I did not want to face the moments of departure. I told my mother to tell Raahil that I had a severe headache and so I was resting. Although no medicine could have provide any rest to my mind and heart. I was looking at ceiling with dry eyes and particularly nothing in mind when the door opened. I don’t know why and how my mother allowed him but he was there.

With moist eyes and poor body language, he walked towards me and when I did not respond, he sat beside me.

Btw, Sohi I have got an idea, he tried to speak with fake smile.

I looked at him blankly.

After 6-7 years, when you complete your graduation and I complete mine, we will go to same foreign university, his idea.

I smiled poorly

Now cheer up friend, I am leaving……don’t know how I am going to manage without you and don’t know how I am going to be friend with anyone else…..

(Long pause)

Sohi, you are my best friend and will be forever and ……he looked straight in my eyes and announced, I like you very much.

In those pitiful moments, I felt my cheeks getting red. He smiled and held my hand

Sohi, we will be together again, for sure, he spoke

I just nodded.

After couple of call outs from his parents, he had to leave. But he did not know what dream seed he had sown in my heart and how I was going to nurture it.


(photo : sodahead.com)

To be continued ….