Love, I miss you….

Love, I miss you….

it was you, who took away my sleep
it was you, who left me with pain
it was you, who made me feel out of world
it was you, who taught me to be tough

I want to see you
I want to feel you
I want to hear you

it was you only, who made my soul wander again and again
it was you only, who made me to trip down memory lane frequently
it was you only, who made my heart beats faster recurrently

I wish you were here to hold my hand again
while I am alone
I wish you were here to cheer me up
while I am confused
I wish you were here to wipe my tears
while I am sad
I wish you were here to hold me tight
while I try to balance
I so wish you were here to make me alive again

No matter how far we are
nothing can ever change us
the moments we’ve shared
the time we’ve spent together
the feelings we’ve nurtured in our hearts

I will not tread it for anything in the world…..

I will just keep missing you, until we meet
once again…..

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Loving you was … Obeying the Plan

Meeting you was just “planned”

Being a friend with your was just “tracing the plan”

Loving you was just “obeying the plan”

Losing you was just “a part of destiny”

Living without you was just “a kind of penalty”

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Crafting your memories in mind was just “like a routine”

Painting you in imagination was just “like a heart wrenching scream”

Discovering you again was just “a wish came true”

Meeting you again was just “a dream came true”

Fear of losing you again was just “a nightmare”

Happiness to have you with me again was just “a grateful heart”

And finally,

Realizing the game of that great player, was just like “connecting dots” ….

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He wanted us to make joy “an enjoyment”

He wanted us to make smile “a laughter”

He wanted us to make silence “a talk”

He wanted us to make life “a celebration”

And

He wanted us to make love “a life”…..

Photos :

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A true love story…..nearer to my heart – Part 3

A true love story…..nearer to my heart – Part 3

First and second part of this true story about Rachit and Zoya can be read at Part-1 and Part-2.

Meeting someone after years, and that too the one, whom you had loved silently for years, gives you a kind of anxiety. You want to meet him/her but you do not want to. That is how Zoya felt. Since years she had been talking with Rachit silently every day and now she was presented with an opportunity to see him once again. Rachit too showed same excitement about meeting. Zoya talked with Anup about the meeting. Although Anup did not mind in meeting Zoya to Rachit, he suggested Zoya to not fly to the other city, for sake of meeting Rachit. Anup felt, it would not be good for Zoya to show that kind of excitement. Zoya agreed upon but again due to circumstances, Rachit had to cancel his tickets to visit Zoya’s city. Zoya did not want to wait now. She convinced Anup to let her fly to Rachit’s city.

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So dual state mind you have to handle when you are presented with your past. As they say, you should always bury your past to live the present happily. In her perfect sense, Zoya too would have advised the same to others. But…….when your past has so many things to share with the person, who has ruled over your heart for years, I think no pragmatic matter matters. Although she wanted to meet Rachit, she did not want to hide the fact from Anup. And when Anup agreed upon her meeting with Rachit, she felt more guilt. But she knew that she needed to meet Rachit once. So much of pain she had carried in her heart since long and she for sure, did not want to leave the world like that. She constantly assured herself that she was not doing anything wrong by meeting Rachit.

Before the day of meet, Zoya could not sleep for the whole night. Excitement of meeting Rachit after almost 12 years was overtaking her heart. Time flies so fast and changes so many things but unfortunately some hidden feelings in heart are never affected by time and I think that is good too. Next day, to catch the early morning flight, Anup dropped her at airport. While saying bye, Anup took her hand in his and said, Zoya, no matter what and how you are, I love you. She smiled poorly and started walking towards check-in counter. After an hour of flight, she reached to Rachit’s city and as planned, Rachit was there to pick her up from Airport. Her heart was beating faster. She told herself for couple of time to not to be teary after seeing Rachit. A weird knot in her heart told her to run back to Anup. A guilt of cheating on Anup, made her irritated for a moment. But she wore a smile and after a brief hug, Rachit and Zoya started walking towards taxi. At airport, Rachit did not convey any excitement of meeting her, the way he was used to do on phones. Half of the Zoya’s happiness to see him died down at airport itself.

They checked into a room at a beach resort. But being behind closed door, with Rachit, gave a strange feeling to Zoya. Her mind was constantly reminding her that she was doing something wrong and her heart was alerting her to not do something wrong which may create more guilt for her. Scared of the situation, Zoya proposed to take a walk on beach and Rachit agreed upon.

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While walking on the beach, they shared many memories and past life. Zoya felt quite relaxed now. Both of them were exchanging information at a pace like there was no tomorrow. After all, covering up 12 years in less than 12 hours is an impossible task. They got back into the room and continued talking. But again, a kind of invisible fear took over. Somehow, they did not felt at ease and that was confusing to them too. And during those candid moments of sharing, Rachit accepted that he did not possess the feelings of love for Zoya, the way Zoya did for him. Although it was more than lust for him but he was really not sure that it was love. Zoya was probably not prepared to listen or digest it, although she knew the fact at her heart. They took lunch together and continued talking by being in the room but Zoya could not feel the warmth in Rachit’s company, which she had felt 12 years ago while that short walk. Also, Rachit seemed very busy on his phones and other business work that at one point Zoya felt to run away. Rachit was not able to understand how someone can love him like that and never think about any other opportunity available. To this, Zoya just smiled and said that she never felt to look at someone else. For her, past marriage was a punishment, the current marriage was more of a living with social acceptance, although she never had major complain for Anup.

And finally, it was time to leave for actual life again. With heavy heart, Zoya said Good Bye to Rachit. For her, it was not the day, she was looking forward. It was not the time spent, she thought of since years, to meet Rachit for first time after so many years. She was upset, heart broken and emotional. Although there was nothing wrong, it seemed everything was wrong. At airport, when Navya and Anup were waiting for her, she could not hide her tears. Anup held her hand and asked her about her visit and whether she was ok. To this, Zoya cried hard. Anup was really concerned now. Zoya told him that she met Rachit and nothing was wrong. But it was not something that she was expecting. And to Anup’s question about what was she expecting, she could not answer but more tears. Reaching home, she could not eat anything and felt worst about her visit. She just wanted to delete that day from her life. Next morning, her skype messenger was blinking and it was Rachit. Rachit had asked her if she reached home safely and hoped that she had gone with some positive memories. Zoya could not control her tears again. She wrote a big paragraph to Rachit,

Well, this is going to be slightly longer but I think I need to tell you this.
I don’t know with what expectations I came to meet you and what did I exactly want to talk…Somewhere in my heart, I thought meeting you would soothe the pain, I have been carrying since long. It would not be right if I say, I was 100% fine, after learning that feelings were not same on the other side. And I don’t know why so? But yes, meeting you clarified so man assumptions and it will definitely help me in moving on with something, where I had been stuck since long. I think this is the right phase of life for me to be mature emotionally 🙂 and understand that the world never stops and so I too should not. I am really not sure, how much time will it take to move on but yes, I need to…that’s what I know as of now.
Thanks a lot for spending the precious time and yes, there have been many positive memories about it. And finally I have grown respect for two best persons – Anup and you. One, who allowed me the much needed privacy with someone unknown to him and the other, who did not use that privacy in wrong manner. I am in awe of both of you and yes, that’s the luckiest part of life.
Once again, there is nothing about me or my feelings, you could have done so never feel slightest guilt about it. As I said, I will always pray and would like to see you happy….so be happy always.

For the whole day, she felt moist eyes. Somehow the dream meet did not turn into reality and it helped in messing up the emotions at Zoya’s end. She felt vulnerable. But after all, it is life and we have to live it. Zoya decided to stop communicating with Rachit because that was the only way she felt, she could move ahead with life. Controlling emotions is not the right way but diversion of them is sometimes mandatory and Zoya knew, she needed to do it. She talked about her story with friends and colleagues by presenting it as an anonymous story and everyone had same opinion – the female in the story was emotionally foolish to run behind past when she knew there was nothing to do with it. And while doing so, she was gambling with her present and society might never accept her true relationship. She was amazed how everyone had same view point and how she was the only one who thought that it was much beyond than anyone’s understanding.

This time, she thought of to follow the belief of society by trying to forget Rachit.

But she did not know the root of love she had sown in her heart long ago, were so much grown up that forget about removing them, even cutting them off was going to be impossible. During practical moments, she always thought of to not chase Rachit as they both were leading different lives but during emotional moments, none of the practical matter made sense. She started living in dilemma and it started affecting her health too. She was all smiling on face but was lost at heart. Not communicating with Rachit seemed like a life losing option and talking with him always made her felt like she was doing something wrong.

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And therefore, when I came to know about her another meeting with Rachit, I was not transfixed. Knowing Zoya so very well since long, I knew she was not going to be able to control her heart but curious about Rachit. Why was he interested in meeting Zoya again?

And until I get answer, this story will have a tag “To be continued…”

 

P.S. I have not proofread the story as every time I write/read Zoya’s story it’s a kind of emotional juggling and coming out of it becomes tough. Therefore please ignore those spell mistakes.

P.P.S. When I wrote first part, I never knew I was going to write second part of story and after almost one and half years, I wrote the second part. After second part, I was sure that I was going to write the third part, but never knew it will take almost six months for me to write that. Fourth part? Well, writing about Zoya, snatches me from reality and sends me to another world, which is not real. Therefore, not sure when would be the next time, I would like to lose my practicality…..

Want to know about Zoya’s feelings, after meeting Rachit for first time since years? Read on each and every post in the archive and you will realize what Zoya had gone through, even after meeting Rachit…….

 

Love Isn’t something you find but ….part-3

Previous episodes are – Part 1, Part 2.

On the new day, with new heart and rhythmic footsteps, Shanaya got ready into dotted black and white knee length one-piece. Although not completely healed, her thoughts were very clear now. But that heart, was still speaking something, which she had to avoid to listen. She thought to herself,

I wish I could be that little girl again. Skinny knees are easy to fix than broken heart.


But you cannot change the reality. With deep thoughts she entered into Hari Cafe, her breakfast point. After tasting her favorite Vada-sambar, she started feeling better. Yes, most of the times our feelings can be diverted or put on hold due to good food and that is a good thing.  After relishing every sip of filter coffee, she was ready for her next destination – Sri Aurobindo Ashram. She had been there for multiple times by now but today she just wanted to sit there, while talking with herself. After touching the tomb of Sri Aurobindo, she found her eyes teary. So many emotions she had gone through since last few days, when Patrick was not replying to her calls. Finally, everything was over. it was time to begin new chapter of life or may be new life…..As they say,

One of the best times for figuring out who you are & what you really want out of life? Right after a break-up.


She sat in a corner silently, staring the sky. Why is it so hard?, she asked to herself. She felt crying hard but controlled herself. Silently, she got out of the place and went to the beach road. The beach road, at this time, was almost silent. Rare vehicle movements and few people around, she felt better. After all, she will not have to control herself again. She can allow those tears to flow down. After settling on the rock, she kept gazing at those splashing waves, for almost an hour. When she heard someone behind her, she felt like waking up from deep sleep.

 

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Why are you crying? the guy asked same question again, which she did not even hear for the first time. She looked at him. Almost 6 feet height, unshaven face, grey t-shirt and blue jeans, deep eyes and ……she kept looking at him, forgetting to answer.

With slightly irritation in his voice, he asked the question for third time and Shanaya suddenly realized, where she was.

Ohhh, umm….its something personal, she spoke with hesitation. She never liked someone to interfere in her personal life.

Well, thats fine. I just wanted to tell you that don’t cry for the person who never understood the value of your tears, he said and shrugged with a little smile on his face and started walking in the opposite direction of beach.

Shanaya was amazed with his profoundness, his boldness, his caring gesture and above all his ability to read her mind. She almost ran behind him.

Heeyyyy, just wanted to talk with you for few minutes, she said from behind.

He turned around and looked at her. Without hesitation, he agreed and started walking with Shanaya.

After walking for few minutes, when Shanaya found both of them mute, she introduced herself.

In return, he shook his hand with her and spoke his name – Kartik.

Kartik, she spoke his name silently and smiled. They kept walking but no one spoke. Once again, Shanaya started,

So, how did you assume I had a heart break?

Its not an assumption, he shortened his answer.

Then? With curiosity she looked at him.

Its a fact, he looked straight into her eyes and for a moment she felt she was in love with those deep eyes.
Suddenly she felt like she wanted to share her story with him. Seriously, life is like that only.

Most of the time you do not want to share something with the nearest one but can easily speak about it to someone unknown. Afterall, being vulnerable is the best thing to do when you do not know what to do.


When she found Kartik waiting for her to start, she began her story and told him everything about Patrick and her relationship and how just yesterday everything ended.

But why are you crying? Kartik asked.

With irritation, she replied, its because I lost my first love, the person whom I loved the most.

Oh come on, you did not lose him, he lost you, he said with same intensity of irritation.
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And suddenly Shanaya realized something. Something that was going to change the vision for upcoming life forever…..

To be continued….

(photos: 4expensivecars.blogspot.com, mental-health-center.com)